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Part 2-creative writing

April 24, 2012

The continuation of the story from yesterday. Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks.-

She took a deep breath and felt a sharp pain. Bringing her hand up, she looked at it. Scratched up and dirty, it seemed to belong to someone else, it couldn’t be hers. Another deep breath and the pain returned, slightly less than before, but enough to draw spots from the corners of her eyes.

Another car passed by, the light flooding the room, shifting the color to a dull gray. The light traveled across the far wall and up towards the ceiling, exposing the bare bulb, before flowing back down and out of sight as the car continued on its way. Another breeze blew, this time it could be heard in the leaves, whispering, calling out to her.

Bending her knees slightly she propped herself up further against the wall. Reaching out for the bag. Her eyes wouldn’t focus, she tried to just find it by touch. It was too much effort to look down. Finally her fingers brushed the soft material. Grasping the side, she pulled it closer to her. She closed her eyes as another wave of pain coursed through her. As it subsided she opened the pack and reached into it. Her eyes were still closed, but she knew the contents well. As her hand searched for the desired item, she listened. A creak from the floorboards, caused her eyes to snap open. The faint sound of steps could be heard. “The door!” Cursing to herself, as her hands found the object. Pulling it out of the bag, as the steps stopped. There was a soft squeak as the shoes turned on the floor. Changing their direction, closer. Her heart rate picked back up as she thought about what to do next. The metal felt cool in her hand, as another car drove past, the outline of the gun emerged. She was sitting there bruised, and broken with the sound of footsteps drawing closer. She checked the clip. The footsteps were in the hall, She reloaded. They were only a few paces away. A deep breath and the return of the pain, The door handle began to turn. As she brought the gun up, she thought to herself, what had caused all of this? Who was she before? Who was she now?

  1. Um…I want to read more. And I haven’t read a fictional book in ages. It’s SO descriptive! All of the rooms…I feel like I can actually see the flowery wallpaper and the split-pea green tiles, even smell them in a sense. Green lends a very particular mood…some associate it with unease. That really works in service of this passage. I also enjoyed the gradual build up into her finding her gun in the bag…and the personification was marvelous throughout (the singular light bulb staring, shadows dancing, dogs voicing, tile climbing…)…excellent storytelling!

  2. This is quite the attention grabber! The elements of the story are introduced in a gradual way that is very interesting. My only concern is that I’m so eager to find out what happened to her and what is in that mysterious pack that I’m rushing through all your beautiful descriptions of light and her other surroundings. I loved the ending and hope that there is more, but as a moment in time it is stunning.

Care to share? Let me know what you think in the comments section.

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